Are you gay?
Nov 16
I attended the funeral of my oldest aunt’s husband on yesterday. After most funerals, my family usually gathers at the home of the bereaved family for the repast and to socialize with family members we haven’t seen in a while.
Well, on this day, my family was chatty as usual, but some of the elder females in the family, in their late 60′s to early 70′s, started to question 4 of my female cousins and I as to why we weren’t married with kids. In fact, one of them actually asked us if we were we gay.
Why is it that if a woman is single with no kids and in her 30′s or early 40′s, she has to be gay in the eyes of some people? From time to time, I’ve even gotten this on occasion from people, “What are you waiting on? You’re getting older you know, and pretty soon you won’t be able to have kids.”
I have 3 male cousins and a brother who also are not married and have no kids, but they don’t get this same grilling by the elderly female members of the family. Why are we singled out and not them? What’s wrong with me focusing on my career, then wanting to settle down?
I’ve seen too many divorces from friends and family members who have married and had children early in their lives. It’s not for everyone. Trust me, I would love to be married and have a child or two, but until God is ready for me to do so, I will wait.
Clearly you’re not as mean as me. I either would have said, “Why yes. I am ghey. And you know we can’t get married.” OR I would have used my favorite, “I’d love to. What kind of man do you think I should marry?” Then after they respond say, “OK. So do you know any?”
Well it seems that the “are you gay” question has taken over. It seems that people will forever be fascinated with women who demonstrate even a modicum of independence. I think the best way to handle it is to tell them to say nothing because denial still leads to gossip. Just look at them like they have lost their natural minds. Stupidity such as theirs deserves all the silence I can give them.
AMEN! It is not that serious! They should be looking at your accomplishments! And applaud you for waiting until you are sure and ready.
I know for a fact that if I hadn’t gotten married so early on in life I would be single today…for real!
I read your blog often…..as a 37 year old single women with no children…i always get strange looks…”you are rare” “what are you waiting on”….maybe a husband..lol..of course I want to be married…but as you said it’s in God’s hands..if it don’t fit..don’t force it
I’m with you. I’ve seen so many parents who are singing “if I coulda, woulda, shoulda” it ain’t even funny. I don’t see why you can’t have both.
They may not admit it, but they know good and well that they’ve at least THOUGHT about career before husband/wife and family, so to quiz someone else about their decision is just corny.
I’ve never been asked about my sexual preference, but when my cousin my age got married there were plenty of questions in regards to when I was going to get “involved”. She even asked if I had any kids I hadn’t mentioned.
I’m married but I still get questioned on why I don’t have any children. Last time I told them because of the scar tissue from that STD I had in the 90′s. LOL! They were all looking at me with their mouths wide open. LOL! Right! I don’t give a damn what ya think about me. LOL! Holla!
That question has made the rounds in my family. I’ve even been asked about others (does so and so like men?). What in the world? Somebody’s tongue is always wagging.
The first sentence of Hostess’s comment tickled me. Nikki, I was just responding to this same topic on a personal finance blog. Believe it or not, I am questioned by my colleagues, not my family members.
Good for you…I hate this double standard! Although I do know someone who believes that if a man hasn’t had a child or impregnated a woman by the time he is 30, then he must have “bad” sperm. I think that, too, is ridiculous.
Neither marriage, nor children, have an expiration date (I know people who have gotten married at 60+ and there’s always adoption).
Do you Girl…cause it’s not as easy to do once you get married/have children.
since i’ve been married folk usually leave me be. however questioning women to death and leaving the men alone really bothers me.
Old folks are funny! They have no filter on their mouths lol. It’s sad these double standards still exist. If a man is not married by a certain age, people view it as”sowing his oats”. If a woman is not married by a certain age, then she must be gay. Fatwa!
People who ask questions like that annoy the hell out of me. I have an uncle who always asks stupid stuff like “You aren’t gay are you?”. I’d just prefer to wait until I’m married to do have sex and have children. There’s nothing wrong with that. I agree with you, too many marriages are ending in divorce these days. Plus, I have standards. I’m not going to marry a man just to appease my family or to keep up with the Jones’.
May be a generational thing. The old folks in my family are like that too. In their generation, folks got married, like in their teens sometimes.
People are nosy. Regardless that it is family or not it is never a person’s place to ask you about your personal life. I have never been questioned about my sexuality but my friends have. Their response is usually “Don’t worry about my Vagina and Uterus because it is not worried about you.”
I get it all the time too, Nik. I don’t sweat it. I’m not ready to be any man’s wife right now, so I don’t let what my elders say bother me anymore.
Just turned 40 yesterday and although I’ve been DWNK (divorced with no kids) for 2 years now. I still get that from family. I believe it has a lot to do with people’s dreams and expectations for you. The way they think it should be. It’s never a perfect world. I’m so excited about turning 40 and being ALIVE and WELL.
I’m only 26 and I even get the questions as well. I guess it never stops lol
I agree with you. Some folks push the kids and marriage thing when they know its not the right situation for them and then later down the line its pure drama.
You know, old folks are too much. Before I married my husband, his grandmother told him we shouldn’t be getting married because we didn’t even have a china cabinet…she is not…well was not senile but dead serious. 6 years later and still no china cabinet!
it’s not just 30′s and 40′s, they question us 20 somethings too… i hate going home for the holidays most times, for this reason. the constant questions about my love life or lack thereof, and when i’m going to start popping out some children. *sighs*
I don’t get the gay comment but wonder if folks think that. LOL. Whateva!
My thing is I get unsolicited advice from folks looking me like you poor girl.
I think like I work (well this is before I got laid off), I take care of my child, I have hobbies I love, I have a place to stay, I love my singleness more than yearning to get married, I can go on.
I try to cut the conversation or say some without going off. I thinking I am semi-happy with my life, I just want to get my daughter through the last 2 years of high school and into college. I want to publish my poetry and novels. I want to travel.
I do want a mate but not right now. I can admit I am not ready for marriage or want it right now. Yet, to many it seems unnatural.
You get the older folks asking you that. For one they have no shame and two that’s how things went down when they were our age. By at least 19 it was common for a girl to be married and to have started or be ready to start her family. I’m not sure if they grasp the concept that things have changed. So to them something has to be wrong with you if you’re 30 something and don’t even have a man in your life. That’s good you played it cool though, I know a hundred things I could have said to turn the family function sour.
Girl, it’s an epidemic! My mama hinted around that mess last year! I was like “What happened to the days you were telling me to stay away from boys?” Wow. What’s the deal? Can I find a husband first?