Parents, listen up…….

I went to the theater to see Ocean’s Thirteen on Friday and thoroughly enjoyed the flick. But that’s not what this post is about. This post is about you parents who feel the need to bring your infants and toddlers to the movies.

I know you wanna impress your friends and co-workers by saying that you saw the latest movie during it’s opening weekend, but please, don’t bring the babies. What 2-3 month old knows who the hell George Clooney or Brad Pitt is? Lil Man Man wasn’t born to catch the first 2 films, so why should he be here for the final one?

I even remember when Ray first came out. There was this couple at the theater with their newborn twins. One baby is bad enough, but twins? And on top of that, one of the twins was sick. Not just sick, hooked up too some type breathing apparatus, so all you heard was the whirring of this machine and the wheezing from the baby. This was so damn irritating, that many of the people in the theater (including yours truly) threatened to jump on this couple if they didn’t get that kid out of there.

And it’s not just at the theater. I’ve seen this occur at sporting events as well. You see, I love to attend SWAC and SEC football and basketball games. And there are parents there with their infants and toddlers. Why? Your child has no knowledge of the game, plus lots of times it’s cold at those games and you’re putting your child at risk for colds and flu. Not to mention secondhand smoke which is wafting through the air and profanity being spewed left and right.

If you cannot find a babysitter for your child, maybe it’s best that you need not attend these types of events. Do us all a favor and stay at home. Wait for the dvd or listen to the game on the radio. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

Has America lost their damn minds? Why is Sanjaya Malakar still on American Idol? It’s almost as if he’s daring America to vote his talentless ass off, but they haven’t yet. If it weren’t for Melinda Doolittle, LaKisha Jones, Jordin Sparks and Blake Lewis, I’d swear this season of Idol has been one long episode of Punk’d. I keep waiting for Ashton Kutcher to come out from behind the curtain to let us know he’s punked us.

So I’m watching NBC Nightly News last night when during a commercial break, they showed an Entertainment Tonight news exclusive. Britney Spears broke a tooth over the weekend. Da hell?

I broke a tooth on last year but did ET show up to do a story on me? I swear the media gives too much attention to stupid shit. Soldiers are dying in Iraq on a daily basis, gas prices are affecting the way we travel, unemployment is on the rise, but yet I have to hear some late breaking news about a disillusioned chick with a broken tooth.

Far be it for me to tell a mother how to raise her child, but could you please explain to me why some mothers are still breastfeeding their children at ages 3 and up? I don’t get that.

I saw some talk show last week where this mother was still breastfeeding her 3 year old son. Say what? First of all, if your child is able to physically unbutton your blouse, reach inside, grab one of your breasts and put it in his or her mouth, it’s time out for breastfeeding.

And then on Saturday, while I was picking up fluorescent lights at my local Home Depot, I saw a father with his son, who was clearly at least 4 or 5 years of age, walking around the store with a binkie (pacifier) in his mouth. The father was carrying on a conversation with the son who would not take the binkie out of his mouth. He was mumbling his words back to his father. Take the damn pacifier out of that kids mouth!

And don’t get me started on these adults who are still sucking their thumbs. That ain’t cute. I refuse to kick it with you if you are still sucking your thumb. Just don’t even come my way. I know we all have our little idiosyncrasies, but a grown ass thumb sucker is not the lick…….literally!

Mother’s Day is a couple of months away. Wanna do some shopping early for dear old Mom? Why not get her a purse? But Nikki, there are soooo many purses on the market today, which one shall I choose? Why the new Louis Vuitton Tribute Patchwork bag, of course.

And what, pray tell, is the price of said bag? A whopping $43,000! Are they fuckin’ serious? Who in their right mind would drop that much loot for such an ugly purse? This purse costs more than a Mercedes SLK280 Roadster.

I swear I could make one of these in a day. All I have to do is hit up my local Goodwill for scraps of leather, Walmart for the Ronco Bedazzler, Petsmart for dog chains and Omega Psi Phi for some gold spray paint to paint the dog chains for the purse strap.

I’m sure by now you’ve all heard about Lisa Nowak, the astronaut who was charged with attempted murder and kidnapping. But in case you haven’t, let’s do a quick rundown of the situation:

Lisa Nowak, 43, a married mother of three and an astronaut, drove 900 miles in diapers to confront Colleen Shipman, whom Lisa thought was romantically involved with William Oefelein, a fellow astronaut with whom Lisa was having an affair. Nowak was armed with pepper spray, a BB-gun, a steel mallet, 1 garbage bag, a knife and rubber tubing.

Now, how crazy does one have to be to wear Depends, not wanting to stop for restroom breaks, and drive from Houston to Florida to confront some woman who was allegedly seeing the same dude that you’re having an affair with?

And my gripe isn’t with just Lisa. What about a couple of months ago when the female skydiver in Belgium plunged to her death because some woman, who was allegely seeing the same man as she, tampered with her parachute?

And even in my own city, a middle school teacher has been charged with the murder of a pregnant woman. The teacher had been involved in an affair with a fellow teacher, who was engaged to the pregnant woman. Now crimes of passion are nothing new. We hear about them all the time, but what the fuck is going on?

Is the dick that damn good? And why are you confronting the other woman? Why are none of these people even taking the time to talk to the man with whom they have been involved with? In the majority of these cases, the men are coming off like they’ve done nothing wrong, when the woman is winding up the nutcase.

And I know there are some crazy ass men doing the same thing, *cough cough* Scott Peterson *cough cough* and others, but please, please, please………….get yo shit together! I don’t want anyone to love me that much. Don’t love me to the point that it’s clouding your judgement that if you can’t have me, no one else can.