Far be it for me to tell a mother how to raise her child, but could you please explain to me why some mothers are still breastfeeding their children at ages 3 and up? I don’t get that.

I saw some talk show last week where this mother was still breastfeeding her 3 year old son. Say what? First of all, if your child is able to physically unbutton your blouse, reach inside, grab one of your breasts and put it in his or her mouth, it’s time out for breastfeeding.

And then on Saturday, while I was picking up fluorescent lights at my local Home Depot, I saw a father with his son, who was clearly at least 4 or 5 years of age, walking around the store with a binkie (pacifier) in his mouth. The father was carrying on a conversation with the son who would not take the binkie out of his mouth. He was mumbling his words back to his father. Take the damn pacifier out of that kids mouth!

And don’t get me started on these adults who are still sucking their thumbs. That ain’t cute. I refuse to kick it with you if you are still sucking your thumb. Just don’t even come my way. I know we all have our little idiosyncrasies, but a grown ass thumb sucker is not the lick…….literally!

Mother’s Day is a couple of months away. Wanna do some shopping early for dear old Mom? Why not get her a purse? But Nikki, there are soooo many purses on the market today, which one shall I choose? Why the new Louis Vuitton Tribute Patchwork bag, of course.

And what, pray tell, is the price of said bag? A whopping $43,000! Are they fuckin’ serious? Who in their right mind would drop that much loot for such an ugly purse? This purse costs more than a Mercedes SLK280 Roadster.

I swear I could make one of these in a day. All I have to do is hit up my local Goodwill for scraps of leather, Walmart for the Ronco Bedazzler, Petsmart for dog chains and Omega Psi Phi for some gold spray paint to paint the dog chains for the purse strap.

I’m sure by now you’ve all heard about Lisa Nowak, the astronaut who was charged with attempted murder and kidnapping. But in case you haven’t, let’s do a quick rundown of the situation:

Lisa Nowak, 43, a married mother of three and an astronaut, drove 900 miles in diapers to confront Colleen Shipman, whom Lisa thought was romantically involved with William Oefelein, a fellow astronaut with whom Lisa was having an affair. Nowak was armed with pepper spray, a BB-gun, a steel mallet, 1 garbage bag, a knife and rubber tubing.

Now, how crazy does one have to be to wear Depends, not wanting to stop for restroom breaks, and drive from Houston to Florida to confront some woman who was allegedly seeing the same dude that you’re having an affair with?

And my gripe isn’t with just Lisa. What about a couple of months ago when the female skydiver in Belgium plunged to her death because some woman, who was allegely seeing the same man as she, tampered with her parachute?

And even in my own city, a middle school teacher has been charged with the murder of a pregnant woman. The teacher had been involved in an affair with a fellow teacher, who was engaged to the pregnant woman. Now crimes of passion are nothing new. We hear about them all the time, but what the fuck is going on?

Is the dick that damn good? And why are you confronting the other woman? Why are none of these people even taking the time to talk to the man with whom they have been involved with? In the majority of these cases, the men are coming off like they’ve done nothing wrong, when the woman is winding up the nutcase.

And I know there are some crazy ass men doing the same thing, *cough cough* Scott Peterson *cough cough* and others, but please, please, please………….get yo shit together! I don’t want anyone to love me that much. Don’t love me to the point that it’s clouding your judgement that if you can’t have me, no one else can.

I have wanted to blog about Vincent Gallo for quite some time, because of what I’d read on his website last year. This dude is truly off his rocker, but first, let me give you a little background info on Mr. Gallo before I tear him a new asshole.

Vincent Gallo is a painter, musician, actor, director, model, motorcycle racer and breakdancer. Yeah, he’s a busy man. He’s probably most known for having starred in and directed, The Brown Bunny, which was one of the most controversial films of 2003 for two reasons. #1 because Vincent’s then girlfriend and co-star of the film, actress Chloe Sevigny, actually gave him fellatio on film. Y’all don’t hear me, I said the chick actually gave him head on film. And #2 because film critic, Roger Ebert, said that The Brown Bunny was one of the worst films in the history of the Cannes Film Festival.

Now, here’s my gripe with Mr. Gallo. In 2005, he’d posted an ad on his website where he was offering his disease free sperm for $1 million dollars. Is he fuckin’ serious? Oh, and that’s not even the bad part.

Here is the exact ad that was listed on his website:

Price includes all costs related to one attempt at an in-vitro fertilization. (A $50,000 value) If the first attempt at in vitro fertilization is unsuccessful, purchaser of sperm must pay all medical costs related to additional attempts. Mr. Gallo will supply sperm for as many attempts as it takes to complete a successful fertilization and successful delivery.

Sperm is 100% guaranteed to be donated by Mr. Gallo who is drug, alcohol and disease free. If the purchaser of the sperm chooses the option of natural insemination, there is an additional charge of $500,000. However, if after being presented detailed photographs of the purchaser, Mr. Gallo may be willing to waive the natural insemination fee and charge only for the sperm itself.

Those of you who have found this merchandise page are very well aware of Mr. Gallo’s multiple talents, but to add further insight into the value of Mr. Gallo’s sperm, aside from being multi talented in all creative fields, he was also multi talented as an athlete, winning several awards for performing in the games of baseball, football and hockey and making it to the professional level of grand prix motorcycle racing. Mr. Gallo is 5′11″ and has blue eyes.

There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry (no cripples) and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it’s a boy. (8 inches if he’s like his father.) I don’t know exactly how a well hung father can enhance the physical makeup of a female baby, but it can’t hurt. Mr. Gallo also presently maintains a distinctively full head of hair and at the age of 43 has surprisingly few gray hairs. Though his features are sharp and extreme, they would probably blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female.

Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes.

Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar.

To be clear, the purchase of Mr. Gallo’s sperm does not include the use of the name Gallo. The purchaser must find another surname for the child.

Can you believe the gall of this man? And this coming from a man who was very good friends with Basquiat and was seen in Jay-Z’s 99 Problems video, yet he doesn’t want a woman of color to have his baby. But then again, who in their right mind would buy sperm from him anyway, let alone sperm with a $1 million dollar price tag? Even White women would find him offensive.

I have no idea what Vincent’s parents were smokin’ when he was conceived, but it must have been some powerful shit, because Vince is trippin’ with no luggage.

Cedric The Entertainer can be a pretty funny comedian………most of the time. I mean his standup routines aren’t all that bad, and for the most part, he does a clean set. He doesn’t curse that much in his act.

I’ve seen him twice in concert on the Kings of Comedy tours and he’s gotten a few chuckles outta me. Not bad, right? But what I have a problem with is his acting in films.

Cedric is forever cooning in 99% of the movies he has been in. Except for his voiceover work in films like Charlotte’s Web, The Proud Family and Madagascar, Ced has been shuckin’ and jivin’ in every damn movie. This shit must cease!

And I realize that you’ve got to make a living and feed your family, but must you play the buffoon all the time? I swear I wanna call the Drop Squad to come and get your ass. Get it together, brotha!